· 'I · was · much · too · far · out · all · my · life'

Just another typical evening in the life that is Rachel.  I rarely fall asleep before 3am. 

What is on the menu today?

I know I am witnessing something amazing.  I know I am surrounded by these truly unique and beautiful people, yet I couldn't feel more alone and misplaced.  I don't know where I fit in this place.  I don't know how to act or what to say.  My heart keeps tugging me off in the wrong direction, so I fight the inevitable.  But let us not dwell on that.  I want to put my face towards the salty wind and listen to the waves move.  

Did you know that I have only once been down to the harbor in the past month?  I see the ocean all the time.  My friend takes me for drives down the shore, I have written about this before.  But I haven't been there by myself yet. 

My leg is fucked.  It will be awhile until I am anything close to normal, and that for me is a slippery slop.  There is nothing holding my knee cap in place right now, my muscles are all twisted and knotted, weak.  The joint is constantly swollen, I was warned if I don't get my muscles up soon my tendons will give out again.  Then there is the issue of the extensive tissue damage.  I have to accept the fact that that day has come.  I was warned from a young age, but I didn't believe it.  At least I was in denial about it.  I am 27 years old and I can barely walk up a flight of stairs...

You know what I dream of? Sitting on top of a mountain, dressed all warm, with a snowboard strapped to my feet.  I dream of the way the sun looks over the snow and trees.  That silent freedom, being the only one there in the moment.  Then letting it all go and sliding, free falling, down that mountain side with only my heartbeat and the wind to sustain me.

I dream of dancing.  More that just being at a bar.  I remember what it was like to be young and someone told me I had talent, all I needed was the confidence, then SNAP. 

I dream of hiking through a forest like I did as a child.  Hours and miles alone in the wilderness. 

I dream of conquering my fear of heights once and for all by jumping out of a plane or climbing up a cliff.

You know what I hate?  When people think I am over exaggerating. I even hate the pity, but people don't know what to say.

You know what I hate?  The constant pain, the constant trips to the hospital, and not being able to walk myself to the corner store.

But I do what I must.  I take it a day at a time and hope for the best.  Make my plans big.  I will get over this hump, it is just every time it gets harder.  Every injury it gets worse, and worse, and the pain wont stop.  The only pain killers that work the doctors wont give to me and I feel weird going into my doctors office and begging for something to help me sleep.  I feel dirty.  I want to avoid being lost in pain killers again.  When it wasn't my knee it was my headaches. 

I need to stop.  I need to sleep.

I have a very long day tomorrow full of lectures, readings, a mid term...I hope my leg is feeling better.

The therapist warned me it would get worse before it started to get better.  He warned me that it would be a long process and it would hurt.  The only other option is ignore it and end up in the hospital again in another month.  That is not an option to me.  So I will bite my lip.  Suck it up, and keep on going.

Hayt can't decide if he is going to call me limpy mcgee or gimpy.

At least I have friends who make me smile.

This is me signing off.

Not only do I have all my wonderful-super-hero friends back in Tdot but I also have new friends here on the east coast that are just as magical.

I was worse for wear last week due to my injury.  It is incredible how spending some quality time with quality people can change you.  As per usual my buddy came over the last few days to hang out, help out, and just go for a cruise.  The last few days I feel better, I know I could sink again any moment but I am grateful for when I get like this.  I got out of the house today, I got my work done, he did my laundry for me and took me grocery shopping.  We had two days of wicked conversation.  I also got to sit by the harbor for a bit today.  I am such a lucky lady to have the friends I have.

It always amazes me how just seeing the water can make me feel so alive and free.  No matter how I feel, if I can get to it fast I am calmed.

My leg is still fucked.  I am seeing a doctor on Friday to talk more about my injury.  I also start physio on Monday.  Get this, with my student health coverage it will only cost me 20 dollars a visit.  Stoked! 

I also got a chance to vent today about my stresses again.  It is good to have a friend who will be blunt and honest with me.

I wont get into what was dragging me down, I am clear headed right now and don't want to risk going back down.  I am on a roll with my work right now and want to get it done tonight.  Tomorrow is another wonderful day where I will get even more done.  I am still not able to make it to my lectures but I am working around it with help from my professors. 

Typing of which I should get this one assignment done before I have to work on the next.

This is me signing off.

Touch:	Shipwrecked on a couch with a coffee mug and a laptop
Sense:	busy
Sound:	dance with me dance with me

Yeah,  I am not alright.

This injury has thrown me and I keep on getting negative feelings from some of my local friends.  I am not a happy camper, I feel rejected and isolated.  I have no desire for school--that is another subject I am not prepared to talk about.

I want to just work and pay my own bills.  I want to be able to purchase a pair of jeans that fits me.  I want friends who actually listen to me when I talk instead of me just being an fly on the wall.  Why the fuck do I even bother? I will mention my concerns to one of my local friends tomorrow, who fucking knows.  It is really only two people, the only time one talks to me is to complain about the other.  I also have a feeling that the other doesn't want me around anymore, he seems to be distancing himself from me.  I get the notion he is worried I want more out of him, I have been down this road before.  Maybe part of me does, he was the one who planted the suggestion then walked away from it.  

Fire little girl.  You are always to attracted to its light.

Well I might be changing my plans this summer.  I am giving myself til April.

Yes.  I am unsettled, I have no idea who I am, what I am doing, and I can't commit to anything beyond the friends I have.  Even then it can be a personal battle with me to keep them around, it is called depression OCD--whatever--I start councelling next Monday.

I am an emotional runner.  I just hit the ground years ago, either I run in circles or I pick a destination.  The East coast is amazing and I am in love with it.  I went for a cruise down the South Shore the other day and  I feel in love.  The ocean just opened up and shone.  I leaned forward and placed my arms on the dash board.  Took in the curves in the road, the colors of the trees, the ocean falling off the horizon.  

I have made some progress.  I feel like I am here now and it is exciting.  I have that sense of the freedom of the ocean on one side and the weight of the country on the other.  What I need to do now it get out more.   I need to go to places around the city, go to local concerts, different events.  I need to fall more in love with this city and less dependent on people.  I don't want to be dependent on people anymore.  I just can't do it. 

Oddly enough, I decided I want to have a child.  Not now of course, not for another ten years.  I want my son.  I just can not see a man in my life beyond a son.  I don't think I will ever have a partner.  Mainly because I am so flighty and fickle. Also, I know the type of relationship I want and I don't think I will find it anytime soon--if at all.  Then there is the idea of being in that kind of relationship.  This would be my last stop relationship, we are discussing real companionship here.  Though the romantic in me says YES NOW YES.  The realist in my knows that this is not the time.  

Miles to go

This is me signing off.

Touch:	Shipwrecked on a couch with a coffee mug and a laptop
Sense:	blah
Sound:	tv. I have fallen

Probably not.

But I enjoy filling the gaps here and there with my random free writing. 

I enjoy venting from time to time when I have no where else to let loose.

An update as of now?

Life is good.  I am quickly establishing friendships, I have plans for breaking out of my routine, I have assignments to finish, and books to read.  Same old, same old.  

One thing I have noticed since I arrived here in my ability to make clear decisions.  I feel for the first time, well, ever that I can do what I want to do.  Without guilt, without explanation.

Fuck it.  Get it done.

Miles to go my friends...

This is me signing off

Touch:	Shipwrecked on a couch with a coffee mug and a laptop
Sense:	busy
Sound:	dishwasher swoosh swoosh

I want to tell you a story, which goes something like this.  I want to sing til my lungs bleed as I pile up on the couch with all my friends.  I want to make love to my beer bottle and fuck an old friend.  I want to hear your stories, lets get into a deep discussion.  I want to out drive the sunrise so the moon is always high.  See the world, hear everyone's words, thoughts, I want to eat them with my mind.  I want to touch you because you have no idea how beautiful you are but tonight I will make you all mine.

I want to finish this novel so I can start the next, and the next, and the next, and the...

I want a job that is funny but not too much work so I can take my energy and pour it into my art.  For now my writing wont pay the bills but there are rent cheques to hold up to and a gas tank that needs to be filled.

I want to meet new people and learn new things.  I want passion and fire, laughter and tears.  I want to watch you from side stage and take your picture.  I want to get bruised in a bar fight and clean up in the bathroom.  I want to go swimming in the ocean and learn to bang on the drums.

I need you to realize this is who I am and that is not going to change.  That you had me once before but you can never taste me again.

Something is changing in me.  Sometimes change is gradual: you never see it until is has passed.  Right now I feel something different; this time it is within me.

Miles to go Miles to go Miles to go Miles to go

Before I sleep.

This is me signing off.

I promise the next story will be more concrete.

Touch:	Shipwrecked on a couch with a coffee mug and a laptop
Sense:	busy
Sound:	it is raining by the sea

There is something behind these eyes.

He was looking right at her.  Listening too her, actually listening.  She was not used to that, not many people listen to her.  They mainly humour her, this made he cry sometimes when she was a child.

Now a year later she is a woman.  In form anyways.

He looks right at her and hears her.  He looks right at her and has a real reaction, a visible reaction.  She is not use to this.  This causes her more pain.  Remembering what she once thought she had but never did never wanted.

So she decides to stop.  She decides to listen to him play.  She is mesmerized by the cord and the way the strings vibrate.  Lost is a half written melody written about his passions and his dreams.

This friendship makes her strong.  Makes her realize more her own needs.

Miles to go before I sleep.

I am building a new life, no...scratch that

I am starting a new chapter in my life.  It is impossible to properly explain what I am going through.  I finally took that big step I wanted to do since I was a child and I plan on taking an even bigger one later--not now, you don`t get to learn about that yet...

I treat each day as if it is new, shiny, unknown.  I go on adventures everyday.  Even if they are just down the road to campus.  I see everything I talk to people I make love to the world and I fuck the shit out of the harder parts of people.  I am making friends, building a family here.  I wonder if I will stay with this one or eventually just move on to the next.

I go for drives with my quickly growing close friend Hayward.  I adore every moment with him, I adore every moment with his roommate, I adore every moment with his friends: My friends.  I am close to my psuedo boyfriend who cuddles me and says meow.  I studying all week exhausting myself with homework, or procrastinate with streaming tv on my laptop, either way I stay mainly on the South Line.  Home-Campus-Home.

One the weekends it is always something new and always a piece of the same.  I walk two blocks to my friends house expecting him and his roommate, always getting an added treat of someone new.  Everyone that enters the rooms I hug and touch and feel.  I get lost in an average of eight bottles of Dry Ice.  I get lost in an average of five hours of pop punk mixed with Hardcore sprinkled with some Celtic.  I get lost in couch moshing, snuggle town, festering with movies and sushi.  In the middle of this 48 hour haze I get found again in the drivers seat of my friends car.  If we are extra lucky we have someone else with us.  Either way we spend the morning sharing stories, and driving along the eastern coast.  Always by the ocean, I always feel so free.

Yes my heart aches.

Yes I miss them all.

Yes I have not dealt with some grief.  I am letting it trickle.

The other night I broke down, almost cried in front of him.  The other nice I broke down and almost punched something.  He talked me down, then it was his turn to share.   I have a good friend in him, I have a good friend in everyone I meet.

In my close reading class there is this sexy man who knows volumes about literature and is not afraid to speak.  One row forward on the other side of the aisle.  I like to think of what he would look like naked and in my sweat, between my thighs, clenched.  It distracts me from the redundant nature of this course I was forced to take--more on that another time--

Today I was late for class, so was he.  I sat on the window sill watching the rain fall over the quad pretending to read.  He placed his bag beside me and looked at me.  I smiled and made some comment to start communication.  When he talked directly too me I could feel my cheeks get hot and I laughed and looked away.  Bit my lip and smiled again into his eyes.  When he shook my hand I blushed again but this time looked directly at him.  I could tell it flattered him because he gave a bashful smile and began to ask me questions on why I was in school here...blah blah blah....He is a small town boy from Ontario, my knees got weak.  Good thing I was sitting down.  

Class let out and we handed in our papers, I left without saying I thing.  I will say hi in passing, it makes me feel better just to know his name.  I do have a weak spot for beautiful small town men.  Good thing I don`t have the skills or the time to get into too much trouble.

If you know me at all, you should realize I just lied.

This is me signing off.

Forgive the structure and punctuation of this thing.  I am free writing and not editing.

Deal with it.

Bitches,

Touch:	A Ship By the Sea
Sense:	busy
Sound:	tidal waves

-Robert Frost-

I am currently located in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  I am starting a new chapter in my life, and everyday is an adventure.  I am so overwhelmed with everything I am going through that I have decided to write it all down.  Like a good girl.

I will do my best to write down as many of my thoughts and experiences here for the world to see.  I have already been through so much in the past month I could write volumes.  I wont go into much detail now,  but I promise to keep this place posted.

Small disclaimer, when I write my rawer emotions please take them at face value and do not read to deeply.  I am just sorting out what I am experiencing.  I am a big girl, no comments on how I have to deal or change unless I ask a direct question.  If I want your two cents I will beat it out of you with a rusted hook.  That being stated I still am full of love.

Honestly.

Stop rolling your eyes at me.

Everything here is love.  Maybe it is the salt air, but I am high on life right now and I NEVER want to come down.

I live beside the fucking ocean!

This is me signing off.

Touch:	Pirate Ship
Sense:	hyper
Sound:	Hit the lights- Breathe In

But really I have nothing to state at this time other than I want to go home and get my work done. 

Things are starting to fall together.  It looks like my move will be smoother than I expected.

I am a kitty and I always land on my feet.  Once I have more finalized I promise to share.  Until then I suppose you will have to settle for knowing nothing beyond my general office space boredom. 

Bless the stars it is only for the summer.

Touch:	The Office
Sense:	bored
Sound:	Phones ringing or lack there of

I have one assignment left to complete for my copy editing course, which I do not want to even touch (of course).  I am only working part-time for the summer and living my final days of Toronto in the Beaches.  I really can not complain.

How do I feel? 

Strange.

I am completely unattached again.  I have successful worked through my pains over the Tattoo Artist, being betrayed by one of my closest friends, and a stupid boy who claimed to be a man who cared.  Now I feel nothing much really: just coasting.

It helps that I live in a beautiful nieghbourhood, with my two lovely cats, just a block and a half from the beach.  It helps that my parents are supportive and loving, and my friends (the ones still left) are the same. 

I have less than a month and a half left in this province.  That still hasn't completely sunk in.  I still have no idea where I am living, where my money is coming from, or what I am doing really.

Just so you know, I am loving every second of this.

Love to those who care.

I miss you if you are even aware...

This is me signing off.

I get to leave early today!

Touch:	Work
Sense:	bored

Life has been put in a blender as of late.  Until today I have been ignoring it more or less. 

I am couch surfing with a dislocated knee and I am unhappy at work.  But wheels are in motion to get life back on track and I will succeed.

One thing I am working on is a place to live.  My parents offered to help pay for my rent so now I can afford 700 a month.  If anyone knows of someone who needs a roommate or of a place that is around that price than please contact me.

I could write more but that is all.

I do know I am so fickle of heart.  I am making some serious mistakes and people may get hurt.  Somethings are unavoidable.

Touch:	Stacie's
Sense:	optimistic
Sound:	television

I keep on wanting to write something, anything.

Something brilliant for James.

The hardest part is that if I write this than he is really gone and those I love are torn inside from his absence.  There is no way around this but to plow right through it along with everything else we have to endure.  Death is a part of us, I know this, I accept this.  I have to accept this, it is just harder when you lose someone too soon.

The memorial was perfect.   I usually detest that word yet it is fitting in this instance.  The night before a bunch of friends got together to drink, laugh, and sing in his memory.  I went to remember him and support two women whom I love and admire deeply, Shanda and Erin.  I do recall at one point we were all a little drunk arms wrapped around each other while dancing and singing on the top of our lungs.  It would have made him smile.  There was glitter and giggles, singing and mild sexual harassment [my girls have fantastic tits].

This lead way to Wednesday.  I wont go through all the motions each one of us experienced.  I could feel out what each of us did, saw it in my mind as clear as if I were standing with them.  The movements, pauses, reactions, and stares.  All lead into that room where we all gathered to remember him.  Stories were told from those closest to him, all full of life humor and disco balls. There was a constant that vibrated through everyone there, inspiration.  I could write volumes on how James helped and changed everyone he knew, I only knew him briefly myself but his impact is significant.  He is still helping.  Giving inspiration.  We should all live, laugh, and love the way he did.

I am losing steam now, it is 2am and I should try and get some rest.  This will be the first time I have slept in my bed for over a week.  I still wish I had warm arms to hold me but I have my thoughts to take care of me tonight. 

As always I am trying to reach for the sky, I see those stars and Jamie is now one of them.  I want to be a better person and I will be. 

Miles to go my friends--miles--.lets make the journey one hell of a party.

This is me signing off.

This is Brilliant.  This is Life.

[x-posted]

Touch:	The Parents
Sense:	contemplative
Sound:	David Bowie- Life on Mares

The universe is keeping me out of sync for the time being.

Good night for real this time.

So much is changing in my life.  I really hope it does not stop, infact I want it to speed up. 

I hope soon I can give forth good news of the nature that will blow your minds and alter my world forever.

I could write more but I am spent from my assignment.  I am also tired and ready to go pass the fuck out on my bed.

This is me signing off.

Good night livejournal

Good night room

Good night...

Touch:	The Parents
Sense:	sleepy
Sound:	time's the are a changing

I am remembering dreams.  I am remembering what I wanted this all to be not so long ago.  I am realizing that everything I wanted was taken away or altered again and I just seemed to give up for awhile until a cocky stranger pulled me aside and forced me to listen.  Now all I want to do is stay inside and work, I want to talk to you to hear your voice.  You are miles away from me and still nothing has changed...for me....but you are miles away and it is days late.  So what am I suppose to do with this knowledge?  Nothing.  So I sit here tired.  Forcing myself awake to finish some work before the dawning of the next day where I am suppose to but on a face for health, a shirt for work, and a mask for my loved ones. 

I found writings of where I wanted to go, where I wanted to be.  It all still seems so far away from where now is but I must get there somehow.  I must.  I have to stop living for others and make more decisions for myself.  I want to write you a thousand words and send them with soar kisses but in a few months you will be kissing her.....I already wrote to you but desided to eat those words.  You are not listening to me anyways...

I am sick, again, and have accepted that I will have a cough and stuffy nose into April.

I am adoring my new class in Publishing.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I am getting on the right track.  It was refreshing for my prof to tell us last week 'This is how I am going to get you a job'.  My new prof is honest and funny.  He encourages us to get involved and shows us many examples on how we can succeed.  My film school experience was the complete opposite.  My university experience, though extremely successful, left me with a sense of blurred vision on where my life should be and how I fit into myself.  

I have come to the conclusion that ALL men are insane and I aggrivate them to go to new plans of crazy.  I am still slightly reeling from one individual's opinion of my life and how worried he is for me....but then ignores me completely after the fact.  I completely understand why he is acting the way he is I am just surprised that it got to the point it did with him.  I never thought he would become emotional with me, even in a drunken haze.  I am not mad at him because I get his intentions and why he is acting so odd, more than he knows, I am aggrivated because he claims to have some stake in my existance and know me.  He has only brushed the surface with me....

That chapter is over, I think....

Who knows?

I was job searching today.  My contract is winding down so I need to find a replacement to take me through the summer.  I saw a interesting job posting for something in Ottawa, then another for something in Kingston.  It dawned on me that I really could just pick up and go anytime I want.  He even told me as much.  But there are reasons why I stay, good reasons,  even if they don't understand them.  They don't understand them but I do. 

I have no idea what this post is but I felt like posting.

I am ploting out an idea for a blog that will be linked with a project I am discussing with a friend.  It shall be interesting.  On top of that I have to make time next week to start the ball again on my play.  That has been very stop and go.   Then there is my book.  I have been having some random moments of inspiration and have written a line or two, sorted out the plot here or there. 

I am thinking maybe this summer, after my copy writing course, I will sit down and type out my proposal.  Those things are longer than university essays but it would be healthy to get it out.  Then there comes the hunt for an agent....

Between that I need to start sending out my smaller pieces, short stories, poems, etc.  Get out there more. 

I think I just broke a fever.

I am going to bed.

Good Night

Touch:	The Parents
Sense:	sick
Sound:	and I am down to my last ciggarrette

I create thoughts and reactions that are not there.  I am the one making things ackward.  I do have intentions within these actions.  I am trying to distance myself at the same time as establishing something that is volatile.  In the way of explosion and being transient.  I can't control myself.  I am so enthralled by experimentation within human interaction that I have to try.  It is part of my journey into knowing myself better. 

I have started looking in the mirror and pointing out what about me is beautiful or sexy.  I have never allowed myself this relationship before.  The other day I discovered I have three evenly spaced freckles down the outer side of my right breast.  It amused me.

The next step is censorship.  People are not interested in every thought that goes through my head.  I have some default setting that I have to say all my thoughts which is often socially ackward.  It is time to return to listening as opposed to waiting for my turn to speak.

I appologize if this post is full off mistakes.  I am typing one handed and my arm is worse for wear.  Sarah's brother had taken over the bed so we had to wake him. He then proceeded to grab my good arm drag me over him while flipping me upside down and folding me into a pinned position.  [Sometimes I hate being little and foldable]

Trying to wake that man always leads to some violence.  Now I can't feel my left hand.

I think it is time for a slow shower and pj's before I prepare for Adrian's memorial.

Life is good.

I wish I could always be in the super hyper state of running around my apartment screaming the misfits and playing tag with my cat.  But if that was always the case I would suffer from a heart explosion of hyper.

BUT

Let us just state that if I was not injured right now I would blast my music and dance up a furry whilst cleaning.

Good day

Touch:	The Parents
Sense:	sore
Sound:	20 eyes in my head, they're all the same,they're all the same!!!